Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Death
I think my brother said it best. “It’s a rite of passage, Joe. We all go through it at some point and this is your time.”
Finding out that one of your friends has died reminds you that this world is a sad and scary place. Go ahead and get complacent. Go ahead and be depressed. Wallow in your selfish and often, ridiculous behavior. Enjoy(?) it while you can. (Get your shit together Joe.)
Then someone that you know dies.
Ed was not currently a good friend of mine. He was one of those guys that was a part of my life when I lived in Boston (and proceeded to visit there every weekend after I moved), but we haven’t spoken in more than a year. At least. Ed became one of those friends that you see by accident, sometimes becoming a connection within a connection.
But there were times when Paul and I hung out with Ed and partied it up. Often closing up shop at TGIFriday’s on Newbury and piling into his car to smoke some reef before heading our separate ways. We would buy pot from him, give pot to him, smoke pot with him. It was a very potty relationship for awhile there.
But there were also the times when we went to his apartment and just talked. We’d have a beer or two and get to know each other for that moment. Paul and I absolutely adore his ex-girlfriend, K. She was one of those people that just glowed. If I’ve ever seen an angel in real life, it’s her.
K and Ed broke up a few years ago and the communication between them and us, as couples, fell apart. Everyone went there different ways and now…it takes a tragedy for me to sit here and wonder why I didn’t make more of an effort with either of them. It was always…someday our paths will cross again.
Some day.
News of Ed’s death affected me deeper than I would have ever imagined. Mostly because I’ve never really imagined any friends of mine dying. Not even as a “What if?” But I’ve always wondered who I would be when it first happened to me. And oddly enough, it came at an important time.
For the last three days, I’ve been an emotional basket case. I burst into tears over ridiculous shit, I get freaked out by the most nonsensical feelings, I’m once again scared to go on the subway. Death is there and real and lately I’ve felt as though it’s going to slam me on the head like an air conditioner falling from a window.
(sigh)
This feeling shall pass.
Yes?
I’m sure.
If only Ed hadn’t died the way he did. Without knowing the full details, I can say that he was beaten up to the point of hospitalization. And then death. GOD.
And Ed’s a big guy. And a tough guy. But not the kind of guy who dies in a fight.
These kind of things shake me up more these days than they usually would. But when talking to my brother, we realized that there are two types of people in the world.
Those who deal with things head on.
And
Those who put it out of their mind.
Obviously I deal straight on, always. This will hurt for a few days, but I’ll grow from it as best as I can, because…well…I don’t really have another choice. My therapist will make sure of that.
Writing about all of this tonight has brought on my first smile in three days. Wow.
I move forward…
I think my brother said it best. “It’s a rite of passage, Joe. We all go through it at some point and this is your time.”
Finding out that one of your friends has died reminds you that this world is a sad and scary place. Go ahead and get complacent. Go ahead and be depressed. Wallow in your selfish and often, ridiculous behavior. Enjoy(?) it while you can. (Get your shit together Joe.)
Then someone that you know dies.
Ed was not currently a good friend of mine. He was one of those guys that was a part of my life when I lived in Boston (and proceeded to visit there every weekend after I moved), but we haven’t spoken in more than a year. At least. Ed became one of those friends that you see by accident, sometimes becoming a connection within a connection.
But there were times when Paul and I hung out with Ed and partied it up. Often closing up shop at TGIFriday’s on Newbury and piling into his car to smoke some reef before heading our separate ways. We would buy pot from him, give pot to him, smoke pot with him. It was a very potty relationship for awhile there.
But there were also the times when we went to his apartment and just talked. We’d have a beer or two and get to know each other for that moment. Paul and I absolutely adore his ex-girlfriend, K. She was one of those people that just glowed. If I’ve ever seen an angel in real life, it’s her.
K and Ed broke up a few years ago and the communication between them and us, as couples, fell apart. Everyone went there different ways and now…it takes a tragedy for me to sit here and wonder why I didn’t make more of an effort with either of them. It was always…someday our paths will cross again.
Some day.
News of Ed’s death affected me deeper than I would have ever imagined. Mostly because I’ve never really imagined any friends of mine dying. Not even as a “What if?” But I’ve always wondered who I would be when it first happened to me. And oddly enough, it came at an important time.
For the last three days, I’ve been an emotional basket case. I burst into tears over ridiculous shit, I get freaked out by the most nonsensical feelings, I’m once again scared to go on the subway. Death is there and real and lately I’ve felt as though it’s going to slam me on the head like an air conditioner falling from a window.
(sigh)
This feeling shall pass.
Yes?
I’m sure.
If only Ed hadn’t died the way he did. Without knowing the full details, I can say that he was beaten up to the point of hospitalization. And then death. GOD.
And Ed’s a big guy. And a tough guy. But not the kind of guy who dies in a fight.
These kind of things shake me up more these days than they usually would. But when talking to my brother, we realized that there are two types of people in the world.
Those who deal with things head on.
And
Those who put it out of their mind.
Obviously I deal straight on, always. This will hurt for a few days, but I’ll grow from it as best as I can, because…well…I don’t really have another choice. My therapist will make sure of that.
Writing about all of this tonight has brought on my first smile in three days. Wow.
I move forward…
